Breaking Ties
by Sahkess
Summary: He just wants a normal life. Don't they get that? Preseries, on Sam's departure to school. Warning for a little bit of language.


_Breaking Ties_

Summary: He just wants a normal life. Don't they get that? Preseries, on Sam's departure to school.

Some language, only spoilers for preseries info.

A/N: I figured I'd try to pop back into Sam's head and see some of what he was thinking on that last day with his family. Just to let you know, Sam does do some jumping back and forth in the epitome of the 'emotional rollercoaster', but I figured someone in his teens who has to say goodbye to his family just to have some inch of normality would be pretty conflicted. Hope I did him some justice.

Disclaimer: Supernatural, the boys, and their angsty lives are not mine.

* * *

This is it. I've packed my bags, what little stuff I have anyway. For the first time in years, the only weapon I've got on me is the pocketknife Dean gave to me; it's the one weapon I have that doesn't look completely out of place in the normal world.

Dad won't look at me. Dean…Dean just keeps giving me those sad smiles. He didn't say yes to coming, but he didn't say no either. Maybe I can convince him on the drive there. Maybe if I keep thinking he'll say yes he actually will.

Yeah, right. Dad's perfect little soldier wouldn't leave him, not like his "screw up" son.

I shouldn't think that. I'm not mad at Dean. I just wish…I just wish they'd get it. I can't do this. I can't live this stupid life anymore! Nothing ever comes before the hunt, not school or sleep or our own safety. It's dangerous and pointless to keep going on this stupid fight, fighting in Dad's ridiculous crusade that'll never get any closure. He's stuck in that moment 18 years ago, and yeah I get it, it was hard and it hurts, but he's sacrificed his kids and his own life for this pointless fight! He needs to move on.

But he doesn't understand. Dean doesn't understand. I want a chance to live my own life. I never asked for this, so why should I have to suffer through it? I want _normal_, I want the apple pie life that Dean jokes about.

I'm not saying I'm going to turn my back on all that evil out there. I'm just going to fight it in my own way, the safer way that still lets me live without being afraid that I'm going to get mauled by some monster or thrown off a building by some spirit.

They have to get that, at least?

I need to talk to them. One more time. I can't go to school yet, can't leave them on bad terms. They have to understand I don't want to leave them for good; I just want to go to college. I'll be home on vacations; I can help them with their hunts if they ask. I won't be cut out of their lives. Just a little talk to end things on good terms, say bye to Dad, and then I can try to convince Dean to come with me on the drive there. Yeah, this'll work.

Maybe if I keep thinking that, it will work.

* * *

"_Fine! You know what? You walk out that door, don't bother ever coming back!"_

I hate him. I hate hate hate hate hate him. What an ass, what a stupid selfish closed-minded failure of a father he is.

Fine. You want me out of your life? There, I'm out. See ya.

The door slams behind me.

* * *

I'm a few steps down the street when I hear the door open again. I turn around, fuming, ready to go another round with him. But it's not him. It's Dean.

Oh crap, between all the yelling and Dad flipping the table over and throwing my duffle out the door, and our argument spanning between the house and the empty street outside, I didn't even see Dean.

Where the hell was he? Why didn't he support me? He already told me it was okay to go, that he understood. Why couldn't he say it with Dad around?

Because he's Dad's perfect soldier, duh, can't go against the sergeant's orders. Ugh.

It's weird though, he looks different now. He's got the puppy dog eyes I usually make when I want something. He doesn't look like big strong soldier Dean.

"Sammy…"

I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear him try to convince me to stay. I don't care about his stupid arguments. And I really can't handle the way he's looking at me.

"It's Sam. And don't worry about a ride; I can get myself to the airport. Bye, Dean." I'm angry again, angry with him for not defending me. For not taking my side in front of Dad. For not wanting to come with me.

I never really thought ending things with Dad would end them with Dean too. But it has to be that way, I guess. Dean'll always take Dad's side in the end.

"Sam, please. Just, chill for a sec, okay? We can talk about this."

Seriously?! "Pretty sure that's what we just did, Dean! And in case you didn't notice, that didn't go so well. Screw it, I'm done."

"Sam, just…"

"What?"

"Look, I'm sorry about Dad. You know him, he can't see anything any other way than his own. He's really just trying to look after you—"

"You gotta be kidding me, are you that thick in the head?" I can't believe he's still trying to defend that bastard. "He doesn't care about taking care of me!" That was your job, Dean. "He cares about his stupid crusade and his stupid orders. That's it. He doesn't want me to go to college because he won't be able to control me there, he won't have another kid to bully around like he's back in the Marines. But screw him! I'm going, end of story."

Dean looks at his shoes, and pinches the end of his nose as he closes his eyes. He's getting frustrated, I can tell. With me? What the hell did I do?

"Please just come back inside."

I can't go back in. Dad closed the door, and I'm not opening it again. Not for him.

"I can't, Dean. You know that."

He looks at me again. He's pleading a little now.

"You really are done, huh?"

"Yeah. I just…I can't do it anymore. I want the normal life. Everyone else gets to live one, so why can't we? It's not fair." The anger's mostly gone now. Now…I don't know what I'm feeling. I look at Dean, and he's looking back with so much sadness and resignation in his eyes, I suddenly feel sick.

"Look, come with me. We can split an apartment, I can go to school and you can work. We can have it too, Dean. We don't have to get caught up in this crap anymore. I mean, come on, you never get a break and never get any reward, and in this job you're more likely to get killed than thanked! This is Dad's craziness, not ours. Please, come with me, man, get out of this while you can."

Dean looks down again. He's trying to hide what he's feeling from me. He's good at it. When he pulls his head back up, he's got that look, the one that screams 'ironclad walls within, pointless to infiltrate'.

"I can't leave him alone, Sam."

Damn it.

"Want me to take you to the airport?"

I shake my head. This is it, I'm leaving him now.

All my planning for school, all my hard work in making sure my grades were perfect no matter how many schools we went to or how many times I had to pull all-nighters to balance homework and the hunt, all the sneaking around with applications to make sure Dad didn't find out until it was a sure thing…I never realized how much this part would suck.

I didn't realize how much it might hurt Dean, too.

"Okay. Sam?"

I look back up.

"Take care of yourself, okay? And, uh, you know my number. I'll be there if you ever need anything."

"Yeah, okay."

He gives me a little smirk. "Don't party too much, college boy."

I smile a bit at that. "Bye, Dean."

He nods, looks down at his shoes again. I give him one last look and then turn around. The bus stop isn't too far, I can make it in about twenty minutes. Freedom, here I come.

I have to put it behind me. I've got a new life ahead of me now, a whole new world of possibilities, and I get to start living the way I should be. No more monsters or demons or running scared for my life, no more crappy motel rooms and having to hustle just to get enough food to eat.

It's a great thing. It should be a great new thing I'm heading towards, except for the one thought I can't get out of my head.

No more Dean, either.

End


End file.
